Tired

Endless argument with small things, hopeless life with the future I am try to make it brighter. I am so tired, so tired, so tired.

People said that women in the MP are emotional, I know I am. When I am not emotional, I have the strength, strength to ignore all those things, brave enough to deal with the issues, positive with the current life and future, even thought I know what it is looks like in real. But my strength will get weaker, need to fill up. Yes, Lord is my strength, he guide me and helps me. However, I am a human being. And I don't want cry to him every single time (even I am doing it now.)

Life is complicate, I know. But I don't know to express your feeling is that hard. I don't know how to tell, how to make the conversation, I tried, push, whine, angry, ignore, calm, kind and love... yes, the love, make my pain even heaver. With this word, I feel I can't breath..

I don't want to describe the details what make me upset, no significant things, just the little things in my life... every single time... any time , any circumstance.. make me very very unsafe. But, I just can't say it.  

The time will past, life is going on. What can I do with it.

Time

Was totally lost in these couple of days, didn't do anything.

Planned to run in the morning but too tired to get up.

完败的焦糖苹果蛋糕

看到一个做蛋糕的帖子，焦糖苹果蛋糕。
很喜欢焦糖那种味道，一直没时间做。
昨天J吃完晚饭出差，我就想着晚上可以做这种蛋糕烤蛋糕的时候还可以看看BSF的课程。

看看recipe，好像也不难。把半杯糖加1/3水在锅里熬成焦糖，扑在盘子里，放上苹果。然后都是做蛋糕的步骤 ，很容易嘛。做之前信心满满在微信上和朋友聊天，说做完拍张照片发上来。
朋友说你别磨蹭了，快9点了。 哦，也是哦，没关系我算好时间了....

按部就班拿出各种家伙和材料，先熬糖，熬糖的时候在准备其它的东西，奶油和糖先打发，然后一个一个加鸡蛋，苹果太贵....买了$0.99lb的青的软梨(还没软) ...切片用盐腌好。

然后慢慢等焦糖，糖和水一起放入烧开，然后小火等糖变褐色....一边准备一边等,终于等的水差不多干了，怎么糖都是白色的???....在家水接着熬...还是白的....心里掠过不详的感觉呢...
没关系，把糖倒掉（老公要大喊：心疼死我啦。糖吗...少吃点....)重新再熬一次，还很冷静地上网看了看别人的帖子，就是这么熬。这次烧开后没搅，小火等着慢慢收干。等啊等啊等啊等...终于慢慢干了..还是白的。

结果就是什么也没烤，被失败的焦糖打击的都忘了不放焦糖也可以把蛋糕烤了啊....

现在还沉浸在失败中.....

不如跳舞

昨天去跳舞，人生第一次的舞蹈课，确切说应该是第二次。两星期前去了一次，后两个星期有事没去。
哦不，几年前参加过一个什么健美samba的舞蹈课，上了2节drop off 了。实在不知道她们和自己在干啥...

很喜欢这次跳舞课的感觉，至少和自己的想象是一样的吧。小时候对跳舞就是憧憬，条件好的人家才会送孩子去跳舞，身材好的孩子才跳舞。不过我小时候貌似这两样也都占，只是家人哪有那个心思送我去跳舞呢.? 不过貌似我也没有多么遗憾，大概知道跳舞要花很多时间练功，而儿时贪玩，还有很多吸引我不用费力的东西....

舞蹈课的老师据说已经60多了，但是看起来身材真好，气质面容也是很棒。面容不是那种整容显得年轻，而是多年跳舞气质养成的。希望自己慢慢也能培养出这种气质。

老师认真不过不是很严厉，语气里透露着严厉但是基本不是很叫真，所以即使我很多动作不会做不到位，出了自己有点挫折，倒也没有压力。

伴着舒缓的音乐做各种以为容易做起来确很难的动作，觉得很放松。这些舞蹈的伴奏，如果平时听一定不会往心里去。结果上课听起来，居然很让人心旷神怡。

已经交了半年的钱，每个星期四。希望自己可以坚持下去，不想可以跳的怎么样，希望可以让自己的身体气质好一些，as they said: 优雅地老去....微笑面对我面前的一切.

嗯，感谢主，可以让我一直微笑.

 LG把买车的贴子发在craglist上，就有几个人打电话来问，还有一个人要马上过来看。本打算先发了帖子，第二天上保险的，就和人家说车还没保险呢，试都不能怎么试。
                可是那个人坚持要过来看，住在另一个叫Surey的城市，开了45分钟过来。结果正是晚饭时间，只好等看完车在吃。95年的corollar，18km，我们2001年买的风风雨雨跟了我们十几年了（我们来加多久，它就和我们一起多久了。）
                除了换了传送带和轮胎，LG把人家追尾一次，没出过任何问题。后来没经验的我，在过一个construction bumper的时候把底盘的一个什么东西给撞坏了，后来也没太怎么大修，结果开起来有点响... LG一直坚持着开...
                我后来开它，除了有点颠和响以外，开起来还是很smooth的。因为买了新的车，为了快点卖掉它，我们开价很fair。等试完车，让我们让200，当然不干，让100吧，我还不想成交，LG为了省事同意了，结果一试空调不好用...又降了50...
                然后一番周折办过户手续，保险什么的，来买车的一个人，又开了45分钟回家，叫了亲人回来取了车（有亲人真好），officially把车买走了。
                当然舍不得这个辆小红车，不过希望它可以多陪伴它的新主人长点的时间，也希望有个好的归宿吧。Good Luck too ALL.

                新的honda civic 买了放在车库里，出了LG前几天出差开了一次长途我都没怎么开呢.....

我和健正对着夕阳猛拍，一支天鹅悠哉游哉游了过来。也不匆忙，也不担忧的样子，慢慢悠悠在水上觅食。
            我忽然被她的安静吸引住了，她也没受过什么教育吧，也要弱肉强食地在大自然里生存吧。可她还是像人们形容的那样：优雅！
            因为她生来如此啊，过去的遭遇怎么样呢？明天的担心又如何呢？我还不是挺着我天生高雅的脖子在水面上到处着我的吃的？尽管我饿的眼冒金星....

            夕阳温暖的光落在她身上，最近炎热的夏天让冰冷的海水表面也不会很凉吧。我看着她，总是不舍得把眼睛离开她。
            天地悠悠，斗转星移，她能改变什么呢，什么可以改变她呢？饥饿也好，温饱也好，与生俱来也好，后天积累也好，她都是会以这样的姿态出现在画面里。
             美丽的天鹅，谁乃我何?

Lunch on Sunday

They are a nice couple. When I first met her, she looks like in her late 40s, there is a little baby in her arm, she looks happy and enjoy. I thought that was her second daughter, many Chinese people came to Canada with their first child, then when they feel the freedom of Ca, they will had another child. It is very common you will see a parents who has a teenage (almost 17) child, and in their arm there is a couple of month baby.

Turns out, I am wrong, the baby is her grand daughter! And she do in her late forties!

It was her came to our church with her husband. They are nice couple, they are Christians and they used to go to another church in another city, now they have a grandchild, so they want a church which close to their home, then they found our church. The husband even offered to singing in the chorus because he only say one "brother" in the chorus.

I didn't start any close conversation to her, I was teaching Sunday school at that time. That the place we met, I talked to her and pride her grand daughter by polite. Trying not to let the conversation down, we asked each other our home town and turns our we all from north east (Heilong jiang). I really don't have a feeling that I like her or I don't like her. I just feel she is not my "type" of person, but she is not like other Chinese woman either. I can see that the way she look to somewhere is very firm, so I feel she must did some business before， but not a big business.

Then she talked about how welcome her family is and they like noodles, then I have a feeling that she want to get closer to us. As a woman who came from north east China I totally understand, that's the way how people get closer at our place. So when she mentioned that some day we can go to their place to have the hand made noddle together I wasn't feel surprise at all. But noddle ...

After that Sunday, I don't have too much chance to see her, one thing is I was busy in Sunday school, on the other hand I didn't even meet other member in my church either.